Breaking down (the walls)
by thistableforone
Summary: "Surely they got it wrong when they said green is a cold color because Kara's chest suddenly feels incredibly warm." Kara feels out of place.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : English is not my first language, please excuse my mistakes.

* * *

"I feel lonely. At game nights."

Kara has her phone still in her hands as she speaks, the photo of her and her friends spread on her couch is still bright on the screen. They are all smiling and James is holding the phone as they take a selfie. Kara has her arm around Alex.

They have become all familiar faces to Lena by now. And Kara tells her about them everyday - little things, small details of their being, but enough to make them feel closer to her, too. Kara has also invited her to join them multiple times. _They would love to meet you, Lena_ , she assured and her smile was always so hopeful it made her heart clench.

Lena declined every time.

Her eyes glance at the picture another time right before it fades away. She has known lonely for the majority of her life and Kara doesn't look lonely. Everything seems so warm.

"I used to play with Alex, you know? But now there's Maggie, so we switch. It's just- we don't have the type of bond she has with Alex, so we lost when we played together…"

She pushes her glasses up with a hand and Lena slides a little closer to her, the cushions of the couch dip under her weight. Kara's tic shows more frequently when she's emotionally unstable and Lena noticed her presence sometimes calms her down a little.

"Maggie is lovely, really, and Alex loves her so much. She doesn't deserve my jealousy, it's unfair of me. Alex wasted her most beautiful years on me and she deserves to find her own independent happiness and I know that," she says. "I know that."

Lena notices the verb she used - to waste - but she doesn't say anything because Kara continues. She tells her Alex taught her about this warm feeling spreading in her chest every time she looks at Maggie, and she nodded but she actually has no memory of anything like that. Gratitude comes close, but not quite. Something is always missing, no matter how hard she tries.

"I look at all of them playing and realize everyone has a perfect partner." Lena sees her hands clench and her eyes have yet to meet hers since she started talking. The frame of her glasses can't really hide the glistening of her eyes from her.

"Everyone beside me," she says, voice cracking and sending a cold shiver down Lena's back. "And I always feel so lonely, Lena."

Her name sounds broken as it exits her lips and Lena has her arms around her shaking frame before her mind can take control of her limbs. Now she recognizes the loneliness in the way Kara's hands clutch at her blouse, in the strangled sound of her sobs and she hates that Kara has to know how it feels, too. She hates that bad things are what they share.

Lena strokes her hair, offers her chest as a warm shelter because that's what she desperately needed when she was younger and now being on the other side somehow seems to be healing her, too.

She lets Kara tighten her hold. Someday someone will love Kara just as she deserves, she's certain of it.

* * *

"It's Eliza's birthday in two days," Kara says over the phone. "We all kind of managed to have Saturday and Sunday free so we're going all the way to our old house to celebrate."

Lena smiles at the fondness in her voice, at the image of Kara's mother surrounded by her family.

"I'm sure it will be wonderful, Kara," she replies. "I look forward to hearing everything when you come back."

Because it's what they do and she loves it. And she expects Kara to go on, to tell her all they have planned, but she doesn't.

"You know, there will be Alex, and Maggie. And James, Winn, J'onn…" she murmurs. "And I know you say no usually, and it's totally okay, but-"

Her voice fades, she never finishes her sentence. Lena still clearly remembers how heartbreaking it was to hold Kara as she cried. It doesn't matter that it happened months ago. She started to pay closer attention to the inflection of Kara's voice, started to make compliments more frequently.

She didn't know many ways to ease the pain.

"Kara, do you need me there with you?"

She knows she never joined them, never accepted Kara's invitation. Kara told her her friends wanted to meet her, truly, but she found it difficult to believe. Surely they must have said they wanted because Kara was their friend. There was no point in making everyone uncomfortable.

Lena doesn't care about the glances she will have to witness now, and the anxiety instantly turns into protection. Her mind is solely focused on Kara's happiness already.

"Please," Kara replies softly.

"What do I need to pack?"

* * *

Kara drives.

It shouldn't surprise her, but it does. Maybe because she never knew she even owned a car, or maybe because _she_ doesn't drive. Maybe because Lena doesn't have parents to visit in the middle of the countryside.

So she rides on the passenger seat - she's so used to be on the back that she forgot how beautiful the view is from here. Lena slaps Kara's hand away from the console and they argue over the music to listen. They keep it up for a little, until Lena lets it go. She didn't really care, she just wanted to hear Kara laugh anyway.

They don't talk about the two days they'll spent in Eliza's house; Lena asks her about childhood memories and Kara obliges, tells her everything she can remember, any episode that seems important and even those she could avoid.

Every story makes them both feel a little warmer.

"I didn't notice you had piercings," Kara admits, turning briefly toward Lena. "You have so many!"

She smirks at the childish excitement in Kara's eyes, at the little gape of wonder on her lips. She didn't think eight small diamonds could make someone so ecstatic. She thinks she could go back to wearing them every day just for that response.

"You haven't seen all of them yet."

* * *

They are almost there when their tones go serious and the laughs turn into understanding, silent smiles. Kara stops the car on the side of the road, still in the middle of nowhere, and Lena frowns.

Lena finds Kara's eyes glossy as she turns. She reaches over, takes Kara's hand in between hers without saying anything. Kara smiles as Lena caresses the skin with her fingertips. Kara tracks with her eyes the repetitive movements of Lena's fingers, synchronizes her breathing with her caresses.

Lena looks comfortable. Kara really appreciates her expensive dresses and her bold, red lipstick and the thick mascara that makes her eyes shine - but her heart always skips a beat when she sees her in jeans or when her oversized sweaters hang off her shoulder. Or when she's tired and she wears glasses to watch movies with her.

She looks so much younger now, with her hair down and sneakers at her feet. It took time to convince Lena that formal attire was banished from Eliza's house - she had to change outfit several times before Kara was satisfied and let her out of her own house.

"I'm glad you're here, Lena."

Her voice sounds so much softer than intended. But Lena looks up from the hand she's still cradling in hers and her eyes shine in the daylight. Her lips curve upward as she bends her head down a little, hiding the scarlet of her cheeks. Kara smiles even though Lena is not watching her, takes in the roundness of her cheeks and the smoothness of her skin, the way she plays with her fingers.

Kara can pinpoint the moment her other hand starts to move without her control, knows she should retreat it before passing a line, but she doesn't. It's innocent, she says to herself, so she lets herself do it.

She runs her fingers in Lena's ebony hair, from her hairline down, and she tucks a strand behind her ear. Lena doesn't look up, but her caresses on the back of her hand stop and Kara traces circles on her cheekbone with her thumb to soothe her. She's thinking of withdrawing when Lena bends her head on the side, traps Kara's hand between her shoulder and her cheek, raising her eyes to hers.

Surely they got it wrong when they said green is a cold color because Kara's chest suddenly feels incredibly warm.

* * *

They're the last to arrive - everyone had left earlier than them. Lena tries to hide the anxiety that has been building for the past hour, exits the car and takes her pack without saying anything. Kara waits for her in front of the door and when Lena joins her she takes her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. She tightens her hold for a moment and breathes, nods, smiles kindly back at Kara. She expects her to let her hand go as she rings, but she doesn't.

It's been long since she last needed to meet someone's parents. Jack's didn't really work out well, but they both didn't care much. This time, however, it weights more on her chest and breathing is not as easy - even though Kara is just a friend.

It's Eliza who opens the door, and Kara throws her arm around her chanting _happy birthday_ before Lena can even see her face properly. Eliza laughs and hugs her back and Lena watches them, forcing her mind not to make comparisons. It's difficult to stop herself from going there, but she's able to shift her attention to something else because Kara is still holding her hand.

She doesn't let go even when the hug loosens and Eliza turns to her. Kara smiles at her and introduces her with a soft _And this is Lena_ and she loves that Kara always leaves out her last name. For her she's always been just Lena.

"Finally I get to meet the girl you always talk so much about," Eliza replies smiling, eyes sparking like her daughter's. "I'm glad you're here with us, Lena."

"The pleasure's mine, Ms Danvers," she answers, matching her light tone incredibly easily. "These are for you, since Kara said you didn't want gifts."

"Oh," Eliza murmurs, taking the bouquet from her. "Thank you, you didn't have to. But they are well appreciated. I'm going to put them in a vase, you two can join the others in the meantime."

She tilts her head to the side and Kara is already dragging her with her as they hear Kara's mother call her name.

"Lena," she says. "You can call me Eliza."

* * *

Kara falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.

It's Lena's fault, actually - of her gentle motions on her scalp, of her fingers stroking her hair as Kara lies with her head in her lap. Everyone else is in the garden and Lena just couldn't resist. Kara rewarded her with a sigh, she straightened her shoulders and closed her eyes, letting Lena lull her to sleep.

She continues her motions even when she's asleep.

Kara did not left her a moment. She made sure to glare at everyone every time they started to address Lena (and she appreciated it, but it was not necessary) and she had to reassure her it was fine every time with a quick smile thrown her way. Nobody looked bothered by her presence - beside the initial stiffness, everyone was kind to her - even though she saw something in James' eyes.

Kara shifts and Lena bends her head on her side as she watches her, smiling at the way she comes even closer to her. She's moving a lock of hair out of Kara's forehead when Eliza enters, a tray full of empty glasses in her hands. Lena looks up and stops the motion but knows she noticed it. She sees her smile as she walks past them without saying anything.

"Can I help you, Eliza?" she asks, turning her shoulders to be able to see her, keeping her voice as low as she can. Eliza shakes her head behind the counter.

"You are a guest, Lena," she answers. "You will be allowed to next time if you really want. And Kara gets really grumpy when you force her to wake up."

Lena would like to say that she does know that, and that it takes a donut to change her mood - but she bites her tongue instead, because it sounds incredibly intimate to her ears and she doesn't want Eliza to misunderstand.

So she turns back to Kara, hiding from her mother's eyes. She hears the faucet running and glasses clattering and feet padding on the wooden floor.

What kind of friendship do people hide from their mother?

She knows the answer.

The type that leaves Kara's house's smell on her clothes, that mixes her songs with Kara's favorite ones on her phone, that makes her text her good morning before even getting out of bed. It's a friendship with blurry edges and confusing limits that neither of them ever question.

They've developed habits and gestures and types of hugs - for casual goodbyes, 'I'm tired, just hold me', 'please don't ask anything, just be here', 'I missed you' - and they both cherish them as little secrets in the quietness of their houses.

Lena has stopped flirting with people at some point. Not on purpose, but nobody really appeals her anymore. She finds some beautiful, some interesting, some smart, but her mind just stops there; she takes a step back and excuses herself and breathes only when she's alone again.

Kara never makes her feel like she's choking.

"You love her, don't you?"

Eliza's voice comes from above and Lena raises her eyes toward the sound, taken aback. She's standing over them, arms crossed and head leaning on a side, a knowing smile on her lips. When Lena finally registers her words she's out of breath, lets her mouth hang open to have oxygen. Her heart trumps in her ears faster than it should, seems to beat out of her ribs.

"Of- of course I do, she's my-"

"No," Eliza denies, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of them. She watches the way Kara hides her face in Lena's belly. "You love her."

 _Yes_. It's the only thing that could free her, the first time she would admit to herself that yes, she's in love with her best friend. But her mouth feels like plastic and her tongue blocks the word on its way out.

Eliza understands anyway.

"I'm glad she found you, Lena," she says. "She's happy when you're with her. We gave her everything we could but she always felt like an outsider, like she didn't really fit in anywhere, like nobody could ever understand her completely."

Lena's throat burns and she doesn't know what to do with this feeling that's making it hard not to cry. She never intended for this to happen. Her ears are too used to coldness and lies and harsh words and maybe she would know how to handle this all if these people had kept her at arm's length live everybody else.

But kindness makes her vulnerable and she was never trained for this to begin with.

"The right place is where she is right now, I can see it," she continues, letting her eyes drop on Kara briefly. She reaches for her hand then, takes it between hers as she smiles at her. "Please, never believe that she doesn't love you just the same."

Lena watches motionless as Eliza holds her hand more tightly for a moment, smiles warmly at the tears she's holding. She stands then, forces Lena to meet her eyes with a finger under her chin.

"Welcome to the family, dear."

* * *

 **A/N** : I started this intending for it to be a oneshot, but I'm thinking of adding another chapter to complete it. No promises, though.


	2. Chapter 2

She manages to let her go.

She stops glaring at Alex and she lets Winn take her place on the couch - which is difficult because James doesn't have Lena's perfume and she already misses it. She plays with popcorns as she talks to Maggie because her eyes keep peeking on her side and she needs something to fidget with.

She truly listens and answers and pays attention until Winn makes Lena laugh. The sound resonates against the walls and Kara turns, finds her hiding her smile behind her hand, cheeks red as she glances around. Winn grins, bumps his shoulder with hers as he murmurs something else; she smacks his arm and lets her black hair cover her face.

Alex smiles in the corner of her eyes, but Kara doesn't turn.

Her chest swells with pride and genuine joy for her best friend, because she has never seen her so carefree and because happiness looks beautiful on her. Kara smiles at the way Winn tickles her sides and makes her laugh again. Lena squirms, breathless, trying to get away, and Kara can see the shining of her eyes from here.

" _Winslow Schott_ ," J'onn calls. "Leave the girl alone."

Kara can stop worrying now.

* * *

Lena goes back to heaving normally after a few moments. Her cheeks hurt and she has tears in her eyes. She wipes them away with her hand as Winn looks at her, pleased, a cheeky smile on his face.

"Oh," she breathes, a hand on her chest. "I can't remember the last time I cried from laughing."

She doesn't mean to make it sound sad, but it probably does and she watches as his smile turns gentler and he props his head up with his arm on the back of the couch. He fixes his collar with his other hand.

"You don't?"

Lena shakes her head without adding anything. She smooths the wrinkles of her jeans and she knows he's looking at her. She liked the feeling of being childish - of letting him touch her, of letting him discover her weakness. It was nice and she felt weightless, just twenty-four.

"I hate my name," he murmurs, making her raise her eyes to his. "Reminds me of my father. He's a psychopath, a murderer and he robbed me of my childhood. I live with the constant fear of turning into him."

Lena nods, in silence. She doesn't understand why he just shared this part of him with her but she does know very well this emotion - even though Winn looks kind and innocent and she honestly can't see any hint of malice in his eyes.

"I'm playful and I joke and I make people laugh because I don't want them to be scared of me," he says. "Even if I do scare myself."

He smiles a sad smile as he briefly meets her gaze again. Lena reaches out, touches his hand, finds him grasping it immediately. He coughs in the back of his throat and lets his eyes glance around the room.

She rubs her thumb on the back of his hand and inches a little closer. He smiles a little at the gesture and settles against the couch, turns his front toward her a bit more.

"J'onn lost his wife and his two daughters," he continues. "He couldn't save them. Now he cares about Kara and Alex like a father and tries to make the city safe for anyone."

Lena smiles because he does look protective, but there's something sweet and caring and loving about the way he acts. He must have been a good father.

"Eliza lost her husband, James his dad. And he is constantly afraid of not doing enough," he continues. His voice cracks even though he tries to hide it, and it makes Lena furrow her brows. "He would willingly get himself killed to feel useful."

Lena starts to understand.

"Maggie was kicked out of her house at 14 because of her sexuality and now she has trust issues," Winn adds, leaning his head toward her to come closer. "Alex used alcohol to cope with the loss of her father. She's the bravest agent and the most caring person you could meet."

Lena watches as his eyes change, brows knitting. He sighs, drops his gaze to their hands; she didn't realize she continued with her caresses all along.

"And you know about Kara," he whispers, and it's so low Lena has a hard time picking it up. "She lost her parents when she was 13 and never felt whole again. She keeps her rage hidden inside of her because she is terrified of letting it control her. She can be the most joyful person and the angriest of them all."

Lena doesn't understands why her lip starts quivering but she knows he could see it if he raised his gaze. So she's the one who hides now, turns toward the window not to let him see.

She believes him, but she has never seen this side of Kara yet. Lena told her about her family and her past and constant battle against herself, but Kara didn't. It was so easy to open up to her she forgot to look closer, behind her disguise.

She should be upset about her lack of trust, but she knows better than judging - maybe saying it out loud would just make it too real for her to bear. Lena learned to give her her laughs and Kara will learn to share her fears one day.

"Maybe you think we can't understand, but each one of us on some level does and shares your pain," he whispers. "Maybe we will not ease it, but we will bear it with you, because this is what family does. It seems impossible now, but they will warm up to you and you will find yourself letting them in."

She turns and he bends his head on his side, smiling softly. He looks like he knows personally how it feels. She likes the sweet awkwardness that's blossoming back in his eyes.

"Thank you," she murmurs. He smiles and leans in before she can say anything else and she could stop him, but the hug feels nice and he's gentle.

"Kara is watching us," he laughs quietly, making her chest tremble with his. She smiles, neatly imagines her expression of worry and her crinkle in between her brows.

"I like her," he mouths back at Kara.

Lena heard him.

* * *

They start wishing goodnights in between yawns.

They clean the kitchen - messily, laughing and bickering - and start disappearing, moving toward their rooms and Kara is already going upstairs as she hears Maggie call.

"Your girl is on the patio," she says, walking toward the kitchen to join Alex, the last dirty plates in her hands. Kara watches her stroll past her and she doesn't correct her, even though Lena is not _her girl_ and Maggie has no reason to call her that.

She finds her against the deck railing, head up toward the sky and back to her, a blanket wrapped around her. Kara smiles as she walks closer; she could let her enjoy the silence alone but she misses her peaceful presence beside her and she's been aching to have a quiet moment with her.

She's not thinking as she comes up behind her, skims her sides with her hands and wraps her arms around her. Lena gasps and stiffens in her embrace, taken aback, and Kara is already letting go.

"No," Lena says, hands grasping her wrists before she can retreat. "You know you don't need to ask for permission to touch me. You just took me by surprise."

She pulls and Kara comes, settles against her back as she tightens her hold around her. Lena sighs at her warmth and Kara kisses her hairline by instinct.

Lena is soft against her, her perfume envelops them both and she's finally breathing again. Lena keeps her hands over Kara's on her front, closes her eyes to the cool breeze of the night and lets her head fall back on Kara's shoulder. She lets her lull her with a melody mumbled in her ear, her breath washing over the side of her neck.

Eliza knew. Eliza watched them for two hours and, of course, she knew. She knew for the same reason why Jess calls Kara when she is upset and the waiters excuse themselves for interrupting when they have dinner together.

"This is nice," Kara whispers, making Lena hum in the back of her throat. "The silence and the stars. You."

Lena inhales, keeps her eyes shut, but she's sure Kara can feel the goosebumps on her arms. She stays silent because the voice of Eliza telling her she loves her is still in her ears and she's afraid she won't be able to filter her words if she starts talking.

"You make me feel something," Kara continues. "Something warm in my chest. Do you think this is what Alex talks about when she tells me about Maggie?"

Does she? She thinks they are in love - there's no doubt about it - and she can't answer her question. Kara is holding her too close and her honesty is too rough for her. It doesn't sound like a confession - more like a stream of thoughts that Kara is letting loose. She wonders if she realizes she's speaking out loud.

"For so long I just wanted to feel like I fitted in," Kara whispers, hands tightening on hers as she stares at the darkness around them. "Like I had a place."

Lena can't say the same - she never quite believed there was a _place_ out there for her, somewhere that made her stop wondering if her life made sense at all, somewhere that could silence the struggle inside of her and calm her heart.

Although there is no battle inside of her right now.

"I think I found it, Lena."

She opens her eyes to the darkness. Her hands tremble but Kara doesn't let go and she breathes, slowly, letting the cool air fill her lungs. Kara's hold is unwavering and it grounds her, reminders her she's with her, not leaving her.

"How does it feel?" Lena asks, rolling her head on her shoulder a little toward her. Her voice is dimmed by the silence and their intimacy and she can't bring herself to raise it.

"Like every other day with you," she answers, letting her head rest against Lena's. "I just hadn't realized it before."

Lena's lips turn upward as she processes her words. Everyone seemed to know before them; they were so obvious with their display of affection they embarrassed people. Or made them smile. She still remembers the young girl that had approached them at Noonan's, shy eyes and fidgeting hands, lips holding back the grin, a cascade of dark hair that reminded Lena of her own.

"I don't want to bother you," she had said. "I just wanted to let you know that you look really cute together and I hope one day I will have what you have. In the sunlight."

Kara and Lena had shared a sad glance from across the table and silently, immediately decided not to correct her. Kara had just reached for the girl's hand and smiled.

"Trust me, you will," she had responded. "And it will be beautiful."

Lena still thinks about the way the girl looked at her, about her eyes - beaming with faith and utter gratitude. Making someone so happy had never felt so effortless. She thinks about her now, because she hopes she's safe in somebody's arms the same way she is in Kara's, she hopes she holds on as she did.

She wishes she could tell her that yes, even though it seems foolish now, she will have everything.

Lena slowly rises from her position on Kara's shoulder, she straightens her back and turns in Kara's arms. Her hands stay locked on the small of Lena's back and she immediately guides her closer, a little smile on her lips. Lena follows, lets her hands graze the base of Kara's neck.

The small strokes make her grin fade.

"I don't know how I didn't see it before," Kara murmurs, breath washing over her cheek. "Everything is so familiar."

Lena leans back, brows furrowing softly.

"I know what you hugs feel like," she says. "I know what it is like to wake up with you, I know what you look like fresh out of the shower. But having you here, seeing you with everyone… I realized how misleading our gestures can look from the outside. Lena, I wanted to take your hand during dinner-"

"You could have," she interrupts. "You know that."

"Alex was next to me, looking," Kara says, dropping her eyes. "It scared me off."

Lena feels Kara's hands open against her back, fingers playing with the hem of her sweater and no, maybe _this_ isn't familiar. Lena's eyes flutter closed for a moment, knowing how the gentle pressure will turn bolder with time - it always does.

"Does this scare you off?" she asks, fingers combing Kara's hair away from her shoulders. She raises her eyes to hers and Lena lets her hands skim the sides of her neck. Kara watches, fingers twitching against Lena's back until she draws her closer with her digits grasping at her nape.

"No, it doesn't," Kara whispers, following, leaning in until their foreheads touch.

But Lena pulls again and Kara sighs as she obeys, eyes closing right before their lips touch. It's warm and gentle and light and it doesn't overwhelm her. Lena never does. So she holds her closer, forces her on her tiptoes as her body molds against her, blanket falling off her shoulders.

She likes the softness of Lena's lips, the soothing caresses she keeps tracing on the back of her neck. Kara feels safe and she thinks her home will have her scent one day.

She's her best friend and she loves her and she loves her kisses already.

* * *

A year later, Lena is allowed to help in the kitchen and they both have rings on their fingers.

Eliza doesn't need any other gift.


End file.
